It happened…

I knew it would! I knew that  if I kept with no exercise, eat whatever and whenever I wanted to it would. Today it did!  304 pounds! (I have refused to get on the scale for a few weeks.) My size 10/12 jeans sit nicely folded next to my size 20/22 jeans. I feel like I am the only woman in the world that has that! I have given in and given up on healthy the past 10 months and 95 pounds came back. So quick and furious! So a decision is to be made. Do I stay in this very comfortable place? Do I keep eating whatever and whenever I want to because it tastes so good and I love the feel of it on my throat, and somehow food makes everything better?

I am a fighter and I refuse to give up!

I have been so embarrassed by my body changes over the past 10 months. I was the woman that overcame this weight . I was the winner. I now feel like a loser. I don’t want to go out. I try to hide my body. I then hide from the world and don’t share my self with others. I used to be so confident, so much more fun and willing to do. Now I HIDE! This is not who I am! This is not the woman my Heavenly Father meant for me to be!

TODAY I make the decision to CHANGE. It will be a slower process this time I am sure. My body feels very heavy with this weight. It is not the strong body that lost the weight the first time. I am much weaker. My back, ankles and knees hurt from carrying this extra weight. I get pains in my chest. I will need to get off the weight before vigorous exercise begins. The sad, very sad part of this is that I made the decision to become this. Every bite was mine. I did this!

I have the power to change! So today I take control and change!

Today

Being Happy With Where I Am

Feelings…

Feelings are what they are and no one can say  that they are wrong or right. I am feeling so sad over my weight and food consumption. What's worse is that other than walking in the morning I haven’t changed any of my bad habits. I look in the mirror and cringe at what I have done to my body. I am no longer healthy and fit. I am overweight, lumpy, round, pudgy, fat, and many other descriptions. I know … I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I am still a good 150 pounds less than my heaviest weight. I am not a 5X girl but XL is becoming very familiar again. There isn’t a pair of jeans that fits any longer that I own unless I create a huge muffin top and bruise my hips. (Sadly I did that last week just because I wanted to wear jeans.) 
UHHGGG! I need to change! or I need to be happy with the body I have now. I am happy with my life, just not my body. Is that even possible? 

Race Pictures

 

I love that I am smiling ! I still can hardly believe that I ran a half-marathon weighing 263 lbs. CRAZY!!!! We actually ran the fist 8 miles at about a 10 min/mile pace. The last 5 we walked. I love that my sister Anna and I did it together. We stuck together the whole way. We “Did it for Dad!”

          

Half Marathon #6

3:30am, ready to leave for the American Fork Half Marathon.

 

Walking the Talk- 260 lbs today

I am pretty good and talking the talk of healthy living but lately (the last 2 years) I haven’t been walking the walk. The roller coaster of weight loss and gain has to stop. I have lost and gained literally 140 lbs the past 2 years. I am uncomfortably comfortable in my skin. I can’t explain it but being larger than most everyone around me is comfortable. It is what I have known my whole life up to a few years ago. I however don’t want to feel comfortable here.

I am not healthy. The food is in control of me. I need to regain control. I need to put my life in heavens hands again. I need to turn this heavy burden over to The Lord as I did 5 years ago. I need His help. This struggle is SO much more than I can handle myself. Food is once again consuming ALL of my waking thoughts and I am not being able to focus completely on those things that are most important. This trial is hard to explain to others who have not experienced it but I literally think about what I can eat next all day long. I am not hungry but I want to eat and seek out to eat whatever is on my mind.

I love how I feel when I am living a healthy lifestyle so this change MUST happen today! I need to do this on my own with my Savior’s help. No contest to win, no big trip to earn, just simply becoming HEALTHY! I deserve this, my family deserves this!  My Heavenly Father needs me to be ready spiritually and physically to be able to accomplish any task no matter what is it! I love myself enough to do this VERY HARD THING! With my Savior I can do this! I am ready!