Life is going really well but it still has ups and downs. I wish I always felt wonderful and happy. I have been in a little bit of a slump this morning. I decided to join the biggest loser group that I was supposed to be "inspiration" for but it is stressing me out! I worry every Tuesday all day long that my weight will go up tonight when I weigh in. This "biggest loser" is very different from the competition I was in and I don't really like how it is set up. I am so conflicted. I won the weekly prize the first week I joined. It felt great but the other ladies need this more than me. I joined to get my eating back on track which it has done to a certain degree but I don't like hating Tuesday and fearing weigh-in. What to do?
I want the women to really desire change and put all their effort into losing weight. Sadly many of them just aren't really ready and are halfheartedly going through the motions. I know how hard that is but many of them just don't want it bad enough. If they only knew how huge the rewards of living a healthier life are. There are a few women who are doing AMAZING and I am so impressed with the weight loss and changes they have made. They remind me of me when and had the fire under me to change. I love my new life even if I am not at my lightest weight I do feel and I am the strongest I have ever been. I am so conflicted as to what I need to focus on right now in my life.
I really enjoyed running the race Saturday and loved how great it felt to run fast and feel like a real runner but how important is that to the grand scheme of life? I feel so selfish when I take any time away from the family for myself. How did I get back to this point? I need to figure this out. I love the feeling of running and fear I've had my last run till spring with the snow today.
So much on my mind.... I think a lot of it comes with the financial stress with Christmas coming. We always have what we need but add in presents for 5 kids and money doesn't go very far. We always provide a nice modest Christmas but with my boys getting older our previous spending limit won't buy them anything on their wish lists. I guess I better start hunting for deals or gift cards might be a lame present but they might have to do.
Now to figure out how to get rid of stress eating and just be content all the time and I'll have it made. I'm looking forward to a second workout tonight while watching "Biggest Loser". The contestants really help me remember where I have come from and that I can keep going even when I have set-backs. Weight struggle does not define me but is forever a part of me!
