I began to put my pictures up for this week and I was so excited to see just how much my body is changing then the thought occurred to me… in some ways you are discounting your overall beauty as a child of God when you say NOW I see myself as beautiful again. At what point did I decide that my beauty came from a number on a scale. NEVER when I was at 39o lbs did I think that I wasn’t beautiful or when I was over 400lbs and pregnant. I KNEW I WAS BEAUTIFUL! WHY now at nearly half that size is a number SO very important to me? Why does the size of my clothes and the measurement of my waist line matter?
When I was morbidly obese I was busy every minute of the day with 5 little people that relied on me for all of their needs. I was fully immersed in the mothering of small children. I was not thinking too much about my body. I had come to accept myself completely and was okay being huge. That is the way I believed I was meant to be. Not until the few life events occurred that made me question this belief in myself, did I really feel the need to change my body. My body up to that point hadn’t really limited what I wanted to do with my family. All of the sudden I couldn’t be present in the fun and adventure because my body was simply too big.
I had been okay when the chair was too small to fit in or being limited to just one or two clothing stores. I was fine with being last on the hike, the biggest in the room, or even having people speak about me in the grocery store. Did some of it hurt, yes but I knew who I was. I was confident as a wife and mother. Losing weight has made me question myself. All aspects of my life. The woman who used to squish into the movie seat and go home with bruises from the seat now worries about “muffin top”. I didn’t even really understand what a “muffin top” was until 4 years ago nor did I care. I was busy doing a lot of good for my family and others. I was HAPPY!
The weight comes off and now I question who I am. Do I still have that same worth? Am I really who I thought I was? The hardest part is how you are treated by society. I am now acceptable to the general public as I wasn’t before. Why does that create an insecurity inside of me. I never really thought about comparing myself physically to others because there weren’t many similarities. I have gotten caught up in the lies that society tells us. Society wants us to believe that our value is directly related to our dress size. I have sadly followed along and beat myself up because I don’t look like the perfect woman. I am ME and that all I can be. I need to love me for who I am and not try to be something that I am not.
I don’t think 400 lbs is the answer to me being happy and confident. I need to do more searching on my knees in prayer to decide just who this woman I am is meant to be. My youngest is now becoming very independent as a 6 1/2 year old and my oldest is off driving and very much his own man. I am very blessed that all of 5 children still need and want me to be there for them everyday. They love me and always have no matter what I look like. I often feel that that my wonderful husband loves me more than I love myself. He is so kind and generous to me. The reality is that my life is changing because simply put, I am growing up. Physically I have changed and that adds a complication to the mix but in reality life was changing anyway. My body shape and living a healthy life does play a role in my life but allowing it to consume my life is not creating a happy person. I need to find confidence and acceptance in who I am now. I will, and life will move on.
I am back to doing about an hour of cardio 3 days a week and my stomach crunches, push-ups, plank and other floor stuff 6 days a week.
I found this quote and really liked what it had to say.
(I have always been very open and honest on my blog. In October I hit rock bottom again. 250 lbs on the scale and depression was really setting in. I was binge eating and I was scared! My husband was getting worried too. I knew that I needed help. I had prayed and decided that I needed to seek help. I saw my doctor back the end of October concerned about my rapid weight gain and she suggested using an appetite suppressant for a couple months to help get my eating back on track. It has helped a little but making good food choices and exercise is still a struggle. Losing and maintaining a healthy weight is hard work! The only way that I can stay healthy is to make the good choices every day. Being in control of food is my trial. Conquering the natural man inside of me that desires more food and unhealthy food will be my lifelong goal. My Heavenly Father has lovingly warned me of this and given me ways to lessen the hold it has on my life. I feel so blessed to know that I am of infinite worth! No matter what my body shape I am a precious daughter of God! Remembering that when I go to the closet and none of my clothes fit is the challenge. :-) )
