Saturday, December 27, 2014

It happened…

I knew it would! I knew that  if I kept with no exercise, eat whatever and whenever I wanted to it would. Today it did!  304 pounds! (I have refused to get on the scale for a few weeks.) My size 10/12 jeans sit nicely folded next to my size 20/22 jeans. I feel like I am the only woman in the world that has that! I have given in and given up on healthy the past 10 months and 95 pounds came back. So quick and furious! So a decision is to be made. Do I stay in this very comfortable place? Do I keep eating whatever and whenever I want to because it tastes so good and I love the feel of it on my throat, and somehow food makes everything better?

I am a fighter and I refuse to give up!

I have been so embarrassed by my body changes over the past 10 months. I was the woman that overcame this weight . I was the winner. I now feel like a loser. I don’t want to go out. I try to hide my body. I then hide from the world and don’t share my self with others. I used to be so confident, so much more fun and willing to do. Now I HIDE! This is not who I am! This is not the woman my Heavenly Father meant for me to be!

TODAY I make the decision to CHANGE. It will be a slower process this time I am sure. My body feels very heavy with this weight. It is not the strong body that lost the weight the first time. I am much weaker. My back, ankles and knees hurt from carrying this extra weight. I get pains in my chest. I will need to get off the weight before vigorous exercise begins. The sad, very sad part of this is that I made the decision to become this. Every bite was mine. I did this!

I have the power to change! So today I take control and change!

Friday, July 4, 2014

Feelings…

Feelings are what they are and no one can say  that they are wrong or right. I am feeling so sad over my weight and food consumption. What's worse is that other than walking in the morning I haven’t changed any of my bad habits. I look in the mirror and cringe at what I have done to my body. I am no longer healthy and fit. I am overweight, lumpy, round, pudgy, fat, and many other descriptions. I know … I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I am still a good 150 pounds less than my heaviest weight. I am not a 5X girl but XL is becoming very familiar again. There isn’t a pair of jeans that fits any longer that I own unless I create a huge muffin top and bruise my hips. (Sadly I did that last week just because I wanted to wear jeans.) 
UHHGGG! I need to change! or I need to be happy with the body I have now. I am happy with my life, just not my body. Is that even possible? 

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Race Pictures

 

I love that I am smiling ! I still can hardly believe that I ran a half-marathon weighing 263 lbs. CRAZY!!!! We actually ran the fist 8 miles at about a 10 min/mile pace. The last 5 we walked. I love that my sister Anna and I did it together. We stuck together the whole way. We “Did it for Dad!”

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Saturday, June 21, 2014

Half Marathon #6

3:30am, ready to leave for the American Fork Half Marathon.

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Sunday, June 8, 2014

Walking the Talk- 260 lbs today

I am pretty good and talking the talk of healthy living but lately (the last 2 years) I haven’t been walking the walk. The roller coaster of weight loss and gain has to stop. I have lost and gained literally 140 lbs the past 2 years. I am uncomfortably comfortable in my skin. I can’t explain it but being larger than most everyone around me is comfortable. It is what I have known my whole life up to a few years ago. I however don’t want to feel comfortable here.

I am not healthy. The food is in control of me. I need to regain control. I need to put my life in heavens hands again. I need to turn this heavy burden over to The Lord as I did 5 years ago. I need His help. This struggle is SO much more than I can handle myself. Food is once again consuming ALL of my waking thoughts and I am not being able to focus completely on those things that are most important. This trial is hard to explain to others who have not experienced it but I literally think about what I can eat next all day long. I am not hungry but I want to eat and seek out to eat whatever is on my mind.

I love how I feel when I am living a healthy lifestyle so this change MUST happen today! I need to do this on my own with my Savior’s help. No contest to win, no big trip to earn, just simply becoming HEALTHY! I deserve this, my family deserves this!  My Heavenly Father needs me to be ready spiritually and physically to be able to accomplish any task no matter what is it! I love myself enough to do this VERY HARD THING! With my Savior I can do this! I am ready!

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Sunday, June 1, 2014

Looking for the Positive

It has been almost 5 years since I began my journey to a healthier life. It has been a struggle the whole way. It is still a HUGE struggle! I am not where I want to be. I am disappointed in myself but I am trying to look for the positive. I am still 150 pounds lighter than 5 years ago and I HAVE TO BE PROUD of that fact. I wish it was still 200 lbs but life has refocused my time and efforts in other directions and I have put my fitness aside. That wasn’t the right choice but it happened and now I live with the extra pounds.

So today I begin a new goal. My goal is to write down all of my food intake and water as well as miles. I have in the back of my mind to blow away my students by looking fabulous at back to school night but that really shouldn't be the goal. The goal is to be healthier than I am today. To make the small changes that I have made a thousand times these past 5 years that helped me get the weight off. I hope that you are finding success in your journey to a healthier life. BALANCE is always the key! Best-Fitness-Quotes-15

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Life is Good!

A quick update. The weight is back and even more but I did go run 4 miles this morning so I am not giving up! I have a half marathon the end of June that I am looking forward to followed by Trek two days later. I LOVE my life, but not my body, but priorities have shifted. I simply feel that there are more important things to focus my energy on right now. I will be running more to get ready for the race but typically I don’t lose weight with running only in really cutting my calories. Running makes me really hungry so we’ll see. The important thing is my wonderful family and keeping up with all of the fun end of the year activities and performances they have going on right now. Oh how I love being a wife and mother!!!! Being a teacher is awesome too. :-)

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Saturday, February 22, 2014

Change!

A lot has changed in the last month. I will be living out my dream of teaching full-time in fifth grade. I will start in just 2 weeks! My days begin at 5:30am waking kids for early band and make breakfast and lunches/snacks. Then wake kids for elementary and Jr high then I get ready and off to school by 7:15am. Home around 4:15 then carpools and fun with the kids, make dinner and then scriptures prayers and bedtime. After family is loved on and tucked in bed for the night I spend hours looking for materials for the classroom and my lesson plans. Exercise is a second thought. It will become a priority again but for now other things are of utmost importance. Family then classroom.I am fluctuating about 10ish pounds but doing alright.
Yesterday teaching. We won some prizes for the chocolate bar fundraiser.
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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

2 Years have Passed

Ever since I made the commitment (found in the post below.) to Jack (Elder Dalton) 2 years ago it has been in the back of my mind keeping me on track.  When I completely feel apart and my weight jumped up to 254 lbs I knew that no matter what I needed to get back down to close to 200 lbs before February 4th so that I would keep my side of the commitment.

Jack has been such an amazing missionary. His weekly letters and pictures have been inspiring. He has been a very obedient servant of the Lord and through his obedience he was blessed. Today he returns home from South Africa. Thank you Jack for helping me along my journey. I love you and are so thankful for your service to The Lord and your example of a stalwart missionary! You are one of my heroes!

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Same shirt 2 years later in honor of Jack’s return .

Monday, February 13, 2012

Elder Dalton

 

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Trish Austin has been Jack’s personal Trainer as he has lost weight.  I really wanted to coach Jack through this change but he is a wise man.  He sees me as a “mom” figure and he wanted someone that would push him and that he didn’t already have a close relationship with to be that person for him.  I gave my advice and helped with information and support but Sister Austin transformed this boy. 

I must share how she came to be his trainer. As I sat in their living room weeping with Jack and my best friend Stace (his mom) I thought of the tough road ahead of him.  (Jack was asked to lose a substantial amount of weight before his mission papers would be accepted.) I shared little bits and pieces of what I had learned and knew that there was a reason I had my journey just 2 years before.  I needed to be there for Jack to know that this is possible.  A person can truly change physically and in a short amount of time.  I prayed so hard in my mind that I could tell them what they needed to know. At that time her name came to my mind. Another friend had recently spent a few sessions with Trish and had told me what a great trainer she was.  The only reason she had been to her was because she had won a free month of training.  I do not think it is by chance that these events happened so that I would know what to tell Jack and Stace who they could seek out for more help.  Our Heavenly Father knows ALL and he puts people, Earthly angels, in our path that will help us achieve our goals and to gain even greater happiness.  What a blessing it has been to watch this transformation happen .  Jack is truly ready to serve the Lord! 

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Elder Jack Dalton flies out tomorrow to Johannesburg, South Africa and will enter the Missionary Training Center there.  I am so proud of this boy!  My heart is bursting with love, excitement, pride and so many more emotions I can’t describe.  This young man is a spiritual giant.  He has done what he was asked to do in order to serve the Lord and he did an amazing job at it with a fantastic attitude. 

Jack is one of my heroes.  I know how difficult it is to lose weight.  I can’t imagine being 19 years old, working full-time and losing weight at the same time. The people of South Africa will be greatly blessed by Elder Dalton. 

I committed to Jack that when he returns in 2 years that I won't be any bigger than I am now and he committed back.  We have to stick together!  Living a healthy life is a challenge and a fight against the natural man but we are strong and we will win the fight! I will see you in two years Elder Dalton.  I can’t wait to see what these next two years have in store for you. 

RETURN WITH HONOR

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Sunday, January 26, 2014

I’m Still Here

Life is super crazy busy! I am still trudging along. No exercise has happened other a couple nights of sit-ups and push-ups. I am so tired from being a mom/homemaker/wife/carpool driver/Sunday school teacher and trying to do my best at my long term subbing assignment that I just don’t have the energy to exercise. After I start exercising again I will get back on the scale. The one good thing is that my eating has been really healthy with a little bit of rewards added.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Wow! Menstrual weight gain is real!

6 pounds have disappeared in 3 days!

I was hoping it was just hormones and water retention and it was!

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Thursday, January 9, 2014

Don’t allow the numbers to dictate your happiness?

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As a society we get so locked into the numbers on our clothing and linking that to our happiness. I am guilty of it myself. I love wearing my a- line skirts that say size 6 or 8 even if my slacks still say 12 or 14 on them. I feel good in them. They make me stand a little taller and feel better about myself. WHY??? We buy into the myth that whatever size is written on the tag determines our value and acceptance in society. It is so very wrong but dare I say the majority of us buy into this myth or yes, a huge LIE!

The chart posted above goes even further to show how sizes vary a lot from one designer to the next. I am guilty also of shopping the stores that I know have a more generous hip and thigh area so I can buy the smaller size. We need to get over the numbers and wear what fits our bodies. We also need to strive for health rather than chasing after fitting into a certain size of clothing. No matter how thin I get my hip bones alone keep me from ever fitting into jeans smaller than a size 8 (depending on the brand). I need to be okay with that. I was there at that size once and that body was too skinny for me. I was bones walking around with saggy skin and not much else.  I was chasing after a number on the scale and on the tag  to feel accepted by society and therefore to be happy.

When I was at 175 lbs (a loose size 8-10 dress) I did question if I was still healthy. With clothes on I looked great and even while writing this one of my sons came up and said, “Wow you sure looked great then!” Point proven!!!  What the world saw was a nice looking thin woman and I really enjoyed it. I can’t lie, I loved to get dressed in the morning and going through the closet knowing everything fit nicely or was too big. The truth is under it all I looked sick.  My bones stuck out everywhere and my skin hung loosely over them. It hurt to sit very long and when I was hugged I worried if all they could feel was my ribs. 005_thumb[1] 2010-09-15 022 I tear up a little looking at those “skinny” pictures because I still want so bad to be that size again. Even knowing that I was skin and bones I still want it. Then I look at these pictures below from just a couple years before and the number on the scale or the size 30/32 on the tag didn’t stop me from being happy. Happiness and the scale didn’t really enter into my thoughts. I lived each day without concern over eating, exercise and weight. Of course my body wasn’t at a healthy weight but I was happy.

Don’t let the scale dictate your happiness. Look toward health and make small changes each day to reach that healthy body. Use the numbers to see your progress rather than determine when you will be happy!

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Happy from the last year… 

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Happiness comes from within you not from the numbers!

 

Checking in- Reality

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The scale is up!!! I am trying not to get down because I know it is temporary. Hormone changes with my monthly cycle can occasionally cause me to gain a lot of weight. My waist is still the same so I know the weight gain is attributed to water and bloating. Hopefully some muscle weight too!   I have started exercising 30 min morning and 30min-1 hr at night. It feels so good! My collar bones are back and the muscles are coming through again. WELCOME BACK BODY!!! Food is still hit and miss but mostly I am on with it. I am drinking my 12-16 cups of water too. I really want to see 210 again! Hoping that next week the extra 5 pounds are gone and hopefully a couple more!!! I am going to shoot for 213lbs for next week. I think I can do it!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Checking In

I stepped on the scale on Monday when I posted about being worried. I saw numbers (218.8) I wasn’t happy about but I earned every one of them by not eating right and not exercising. The body is an amazing machine and responds well to proper fuel, hydration and exercise.  I am so pleased that I was able to get myself back on track quickly and I am very happy with my numbers today! I am looking forward to keeping these numbers down through this year. Next week I hope to see a few pounds off.

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My only goal for this year is to LOVE MYSELF MORE!

 

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