Monday, May 9, 2011

Confession, Confusion and a New Reward

Hopefully I will have the strength and self-control this week so that I won't have another post like this for a very long while!

I must confess that I start each day with the best intentions of eating well but have fallen very short this week again!  I have been struggling with fitting into my spring/summer clothes.  I got most of them actually last August/September when I was at my low weight.  It makes sense that they don't fit since I am about 25 pounds heavier right now.  I ate too much healthy food and did eat chocolate cake that I made for my son's birthday but I haven't touched those chocolate chips that were haunting my thoughts the past few weeks.  So that is the confession.  I did however do 14 miles of running and 32 miles on the bike this week as well as 3 hours on the elliptical and 1 class of turbo jam at a neighbors house.  Exercise I can do no problem.  I just really need to get back to eating right.  I AM going to eat right from now on out until I slip up and then I'll get back on track and start again!

Now for my confusion... I am frustrated with my body because it is bigger than last fall or even winter.  I have put back on about 15-20 pounds from where I was maintaining. My waist is 2 1/2-3 inches larger than even January.  I felt good about my body at that weight.  I don't like my flabby lower stomach and thighs. Now for the confusion,  since I have put a little weight on I am getting many compliments on how good I look.  I get comments on how proportional my body has become and how healthy and strong/toned I look. These compliments are coming from women/men that I look up to and I consider very beautiful themselves. I have been told that at my lowest weight that I looked too skinny.  I couldn't believe that was possible because I was still 175 pounds.  So now my dilemma...  do I worry about the scale and just really keep my eating and exercise under control and base health on if my clothes fit right and comments of others or do I lose the weight I tell myself I need to so that I like the numbers on the scale.  AGGGHHHH,  what to do?

I know I need to eat better since putting on 20 pounds in 4 months is HORRIBLE! Yes I did have surgery but I let me eating go.  I am giving myself permission to eat sweets and snacks way too often and my portions have gotten larger.  So for now I still want the scale to be back in the 180's but probably not 180.  I don't want to look unhealthy or too skinny.  I just wish I could determine where I lose the weight.  So that's where my mind is right now.

I have a new reward to look forward to when I hit the 180's again.  I will choose between either a ticket to Celine Dion in Vegas or a Hot Air Balloon Ride.  Those are some pretty big rewards so I must also reach my personal goal of 500 miles (bike and running combined). I have been missing something to work toward so this is it.  

4 comments:

  1. My SIL has a similar outlook for herself. She is super skinny and would look magazine awesome in her 'kini, but she looks too skinny. Skin stretched across her cheekbones, breasts that aren't really there….you get the idea. I personally think she looks a bit better with more fat under her skin. Our body needs some! If you'd like my advice I'd go with how your clothes feel and rein in your portion control like you've done in the past. Forget the number. I really liked in previous posts how you've had a range in which you'd like to see yourself. I think that's positive and non-restrictive the way a specific number/outfit can be. People can be skinny and not healthy and just because you might reach the number you want doesn't mean you would have done it in a healthy way. You'll have more more pride in yourself if you accomplish your goals in a balanced way and you do them for you. Not for the praise of others (although that is definitely nice as well.) Did you ever figure out why you weren't dropping fat with all the exercise?? (From awhile ago…)

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  2. Well, you know how I feel about the scale. Don't let a number rule your life. Choose to be happy but don't let it be because the number on the scale told you it's now okay to be happy. Let the scale go for a bit and live you life. Just because you aren't weighing yourself doesn't mean you can't eat well and I KNOW you know what that means.

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  3. Leave the numbers to the accountants ;-)
    How you feel, how you look to yourself and how your clothing is fitting is a much better measure of how you're doing. I'll be the sugar a big piece of this right now. I try to sub in medjool dates when I am cutting out refined sugar. Those things are sooooo sweet.

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  4. Becky I am not going to be very popular, and it is just my opinion, but I am not every going to be able to trust myself with food, so I have come to the conclusion that I will weigh myself everyday and so I can catch myself when I add on 5 pounds I can have a heads up and get back on track. It is my feeling that I will have to fight the rest of my life to stay where I want to be, for me keeping weight off isn't natural, putting it on is. I still don't let the number on the scale decide whether I am happy or sad that day but I do let it help motatviate me to eat better and be more aware of what is going in my mouth. I am also feeling your pain on the compliments haven't got that one figured out yet! You can and will do this, and don't forget to ask for help He will help you!
    xoxo

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